I came upon it totally by accident while conducting a web search. It was a public apology forum, both odd and intriguing. Cathartic confessions left hanging in cyberspace, hoping that the intended recipients would find and read them someday. Morbidly curious, I scrolled through them. There were hundreds dating back to 2007. I began to feel like a voyeur. There was the giddiness of a teen stumbling upon her sister’s diary sometimes mixed with the discomfort of finding something rather shocking and unsettling in its content.
I was touched by the gesture of a now senior citizen regretful for standing up a blind date arranged by a fraternity brother back in 1967. His shallow youthful actions obviously haunted him for decades. He had "chickened out after catching a glimpse of her from a distance and determined she wasn’t attractive enough to be on his arm." He knows it wounded her deeply and he wishes he could now have coffee with her and explain. It’s sweet revenge to know he has carried this guilt with him, but comforting to know he had a conscience. Who hasn’t been that girl? But then, haven’t we all been that guy?
Some were funny and hinted of intoxication: “To the guy at the Bestival who was in front of me at the go team for the first night. I am so sorry for urinating. I thought I had my own little space and it would soak into the ground but I must have accidentally got your leg. I am so sorry, I couldn't get it out of my head all weekend, and I hope it didn't ruin your night or your weekend too much, sorry again.” I suspect this guy was still reeling from a hangover when he posted.
So many were written to ex lovers over bad break-ups, apologizing for indiscretions that happened “one too many times.” One cowardly lover confessed to living a lie: “I'm sorry for all the happiness you are sharing with me. I'm sorry that you love me, and I'm sorry that I love you. I'm sorry for loving someone behind your back. I'm sorry for lying to you, I just don't want to lose what we have. I'm sorry for knowing that I'll have to end it soon, someday. I'm sorry that you think I'm everything I'm not. I'm sorry I've made you believe I'm the one for you. I'm sorry that we're together. I'm sorry that we've ever met. I'm sorry. I love you.” Posted in 2007, I can’t help but wonder their current status. I feel the punch this may have delivered to some unsuspecting lover or spouse. How many of these couples walk amongst us?
There was an apology from a heartbroken grandfather who had fallen out of favor with his granddaughter. A touching and frustrating attempt at something he was unlikely to resolve. He wanted her to know that even if she didn't want any part of him, "all of the good memories were enough to let him die a happy man." I couldn't help but hope that whatever he did was forgivable and that a powerful force led her to this page.
But a few posts later, I was haunted by a man who apologized for the “horrible thing” he did when he was young to a “much younger” child. It was important that the victim know that this never happened again. While I felt the weight of his tremendous guilt, I am hesitant to feel compassion or empathy. I suspect his victim is as well and perhaps this one is simply better left alone.
Drawn into these apologies which were feeling more like confessions, I began searching for and hoping that there might be something for me in this forum. Something that would help me stop picking the scabs of old wounds. How sappy, poetic and optimistic of me. Would I even recognize it if there were one? Would I leave a response?
A woman's pain is palpable and I related all too well. If only someone had the appropriate blend of words and deeds to bring her back into the fold: "Your illness became mine while I slowly sunk into a depression from all the attacks. My anger became a weapon; a weapon you were then able to use against me. I am sorry I wasn't better trained in this warfare. I allowed your illness to manipulate me and cost me a healthy relationship with our family. I had no idea how far you would go to cover your illness until I was left standing with my heart in my hands, on the outside looking in."
So I crafted soothing words to the woman above, words I'd want to hear: "My lies became the truth. My pain became your pain. By dividing and conquering I ostracized you. I made you question and doubt my and my family's love for you. I painted you as unstable and untrustworthy, so that your motives and integrity would always be in question. If I turned my family against you, you could never share with them the ugly truths you knew about me and the painful things I said and did to you. I used you as a scapegoat to hide my demons. By making you appear weak and stupid, I looked strong and competent when indeed I was a mess."
Maybe she will read them, feel less burdened and begin to heal. It doesn't matter who wrote them. It matters that someone understood. Oh the power of a sincere apology!
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